Who are you “really”?

Our minds are constantly doing their best to sort things into categories that will save us time as we build our case about reality. This is a “good thing,” we say, or “a bad thing.” This person is safe or not safe, to be trusted or not, smart or foolish, kind or mean.

The idea behind this is that there is a single, definable essence or quality which can be detected and then stuck to. And that’s what a person really is, according to the popular saying.

I’ve noticed that it’s almost always a come-down.

“I thought he was smart, but it turns out he’s really not that bright.”

“She seemed so promising but she’s really quite ordinary.”

“They’re not so great; they’re really just a bunch of people with a website and some marketing slogans.”

A person who has an off day can now be defined by that one moment. All triumphs are forgotten or ignored, and the person is defined neatly by what they really are: less talented, skillful, likable, kind, smart, or anything else.

What makes me saddest about this tendency to deflation is that we do it to ourselves.

We make a mistake and say, “I guess I’m really not that smart.”

We fail and say, “I guess that one triumph was a fluke and I’m not really in the winner’s club.”

We make one small slip and hasten to say, “I guess I’m really not that great after all.”

Once we’ve told ourselves that, we build up the case for why we’re not that smart, not a winner, or not that great. Isn’t that terrible?

And the truth is, the whole thing rests on a fallacy.

No one is really any one thing.

We’re the whole gamut from skillful to graceless, from kind to cruel, from likable to detestable.

If you have ever evinced any quality – desirable or undesirable – it’s in you.

What you really are – what any of us really is – is an evolving, ever-changing matrix of qualities and abilities, shaped moment by moment.

By what?

By choice.

What you really are is what you choose to be.

You get to pick, moment by moment, rather than being defined by anyone’s need for a time-saving storytelling shorthand.

You are really complex.

You are really full of mystery and potential and power.

You are really a living, changing creature who chooses the really that feels truest.

So why not choose the one you really like the most?

PS – I took this picture last week and it struck me as a good image for this essay because it inspires me to ask: Is the sky really cloudy? Or is this one moment of many that include clouds and sun and brilliant blue? Can we say with any certainty what the sky really is?

PPS – Do you want to write or sing or make music or magic with me this fall? Get in touch about the possibilities: kate@katechadbourne.com. I’m always glad to hear from you.